While We're Waiting We Should Try Saving the World

Moved.

2007-09-18T14:11:00.000-07:00

Blogger constantly infuriates me. I moved:
http://texydrew.wordpress.com

Step out on a limb.

2007-07-23T13:26:00.000-07:00

It has been such a long time since I have posted! For the 1.5 of you that read this blog, my apologies. I hate it when people take forever to post.
Lost has happened since April. Thus a brief overview:
1.Survived a Lai Ling Oral final. Also I lucked out. If you don't know the story ask me about it.
2.Finished semester 4 of seminary. 4 more to go.
3. Read 5 books for fun. Currently on my 6th.
4. Said good-bye to two good friends...saying good-bye to a third at the end of next week.
5.Finished season 2 of the West Wing. I have been watching it since January. Ash and I did watch the first episode of this season on New Years day.
6. I moved into a new house.
7. Said good-bye to Julie Pennington Russell as the Pastor of Calvary Baptist Church as the left for a fortunate Church in Georgia.
This may be among one of the most significant things that has happened since I have started seminary. I started attending Calvary at the end of my Junior year of college. Previous to this I attended another Baptist church in Waco. I liked it okay, but it never felt like home. I never got involved save my consistent attendance on Sunday mornings and the occasional Wednesday. While attending this Church I began to explore my journey with Christ at a deeper level. This exploration took me on a road full of doubt, astonishment, sadness, comfort and ultimately peace. I began to realize that the Church that I had been attending did not coincide with some beliefs that I was beginning to hold on to so dearly. I decided that it was time to look elsewhere. I had heard many wonderful things about Calvary and I decided to check it out the second Sunday of my Church search. The first Sunday that I was there I knew that it was the Church for me. It felt like home. In a way that I cannot explain. The Churches that I had attended in the past had felt like home over time...but this instant feeling of comfort and peace was overwhelming. I loved the presence of modern and anciet Liturgy, the mixture of Old and Modern Hymns, the concern for the poor in Waco and around the world and so much more. Over time I began to see that this was also a Church that was uncomfortable with the staus quo. This group of people is continually seeking how far it can go out onto the Limb of the kingdom of God. The group of people is not interested in committees, or status, or the newest trend in ministry. The people of Calvary are interested in ushering in the Kingdom of God into everyday life. They are interested in unwavering love, unconditional acceptance. They understand that the cross is foolishness. When I began attending Calvary until up to June 24th Julie Pennington Russell was the leader of this passionate community of Christ Followers. She wasn't a leader by standing in front and telling the people where they should go. She stood beside and walked in step with the heart beat of the Church. She was truly a shepard. She was not interested in purposefully causing a stir, although many times as she followed what she calls "nudges from the spirit" she often did. She followed a nudge of the spirit from San Francisco to Waco Texas. She walked past protesers on her first Sunday. She was the first female pastor of a Baptist Church in Texas and now she will pastor the largest Baptist Church that a female has led in Baptist History. She blazed the trail, but she lives and pastors as if she is simply walking down a well worn path. With Julie as my pastor I truly began to learn that the worship on Sunday morning was not simply the music...I knew this..but listening to her preach so eloquently and passionately, I began to worship not simply during hymns but during the proclimation of the gospel from the pulpit. Julie is the first pastor that I truly trusted to not stand up and give me recycled illustrations or worn out Christian Colloquialisms. She speaks from the depths of her study and of her heart. She mixes intelliegence with rough edges. Her example taught me that in order to Change things we don't always need to cause a stir or wave our hands in the air saying "look at me! I am being radical" but to simply live the way that you want things to be.
At the beginning of my senior year of college, Julie came to my apartment and ate pasta with my me and my roommate Becky. She asked us about our spiritual journeys. I told her about great influences in my life, and the way that these people have formed me. Next time I sit over pasta and talk about my spiritual Journey I will mention Julie Pennington Russell.

Light in the Darkness

2007-04-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

"We listen to the evening news with its usual recital of shabbiness and horror, and God, if we believe in him at all, seems remote powerless, a child's dream. But there are other times--often the most unexpected, unlikely times--when strong as life itself comes the sense that there is a holiness deeper than shabbiness and horror and at the very heart of darkness a light unutterable."
Fredrick Buechner

The Great Equalizer

2007-04-07T14:05:00.000-07:00

Easter means a great number of things, namely Salvation, ressurection, new life, and freedom. However, this Easter season, I have noticed that Easter seems to be an equalizer. We begin with Ash Wednesday. In a room lit by the early morning, we placed ashes on one another's foreheads. As I looked around the room I was struck at the fact that everyone was marked. We are all dust. We are all sinners. No one could hide, it was written all over their faces.
On Maundy Thursday, everyone removed their shoes and socks. We all stood in a line,with bare feet; professors, students, children, adults, teenagers, rich and poor, sick and heatlhy. Everybody washed feet and everybody had their feet washed. Each person had a moment of both greatness and vulerability.
On Good Friday, we all mourn. As Christ goes to the the grave, we all sit in darkness. Hope seems lost for all, it is sealed tight in a tomb. We all leave in silence, not the most eloquent among us has words.
But Easter is coming. The tomb is opened and the ressurection for one man means life for all. Ressurection is not discrimiating, it is offered to both the rich the and poor. The profane and the saintly. The great and least.
Easter is the great equalizer.

I like this.

2007-03-24T22:18:00.001-07:00

Changes Come.

2007-01-21T21:18:00.000-08:00

A very cheesy country song says "Life's about changin' nothing ever stays the same". I am finding this to be very very true. Unfortunately I hate change. Sometimes I wish that I could be one of those people that simply revel in change. That loves the excitement of not knowing. That finds freedom in new start. I always feel shackled by a new start. Weighed down by looking back, wishing for yesterday, and longing for comfort. It takes me a while to step out of the shackles and embrace the new that lies before me.
I always say that I wish that things could stay the same, and we could just keep adding on the good parts. For instance, in regards to my Waco life: Right now I would still be living in apartment 412 with Karen, Llama and Becky. Shley would live just around the bend. Cori would still be a CL in Kokernot with Pammy. I would also be in Seminary. I would have my new job. I would also have Calvary, and Ashley and Celina and Meagan and Christy and Leah and Meredith and Myles and the rest. Everyone would always hang out. All together. Always.
So I suppose that wouldn't work. Change opens the doors for the new to come tumbling in in unexpected ways. It makes space in our lives for new growth and new experiences. Change is so hard. And for me often times painful. From friends leaving and relationships changing to moving and growing up. But through the little cracks that come from being jostled through this journey of life, new light comes through.

Family Traditions

2006-12-26T08:57:00.002-08:00

We have alot of unspoken traditions in our family...things that we just do each and every year around the holidays...and I LOVE IT.

1. The Houses: Every house holds a holiday, Christmas Eve=my house. Christmas Day=Aunt Candie's(front yard aunt for those who are following along). Thanksgiving= grandma's house. White Elephant Gift Exchange =Aunt K's House (backyard Aunt)..at First. You see, when Aunt K got her house in the back yard, she decided that she wanted a tradition at her house, so we decided to have a white elephant gift exchange there on Christmas day. We actually only had it here once. The first year. Now we have it in front yard house.
2. Grandma and Bradley make a birthday cake for Jesus every year. A cookie cake to be exact. We used to sing "Happy Birthday" to Jesus. However in our late teen years we began singing in a more begrudging fashion so we nixed it.
3. I make the relish tray every year. This started when I went off to college and they decided that I need to contribute to the holiday meal. However, I generally cannot be trusted to bring a food item, it will either be sick or weird.
4. When we gather around to say the blessing Aunt Candie (front yard) always asks me to say "The Blessing" like Uncle Lewis says it to Aunt Bethany at the Christmas Table on "Christmas Vacation"
5. After we eat, go to church, open gifts, eat again, talk about our gifts and then clean up we read the Christmas Story from Luke. Papa (grandpa) reads it. Except this year, he had lost his voice and sounded like a woman so I read it.
6. In the past few years, we have opened presents with the whole family on Christmas eve, gone to bed and then found our "santa" presents in the morning. Mom and dad (mainly dad) decided that he didn't want to wait for us to go to bed, nor did he want to do the obligatory wake up in the morning (we were in college for crying out loud) So, after everyone leaves, brother and I go upstairs, mom and dad set "santa" presents out. They call us and then we come down and receive our Santa Gifts.
7. We have this set of reindeer antler complete with a santa hat. Each year we try to put them on the dog. She takes them off within 2 seconds. We then try again...and again and again. Hoping that she will keep them on and be real cute for all of Christmas eve. It never happens and she usually ends up with a red bow around her neck.
8. We take family photos...well photos with all of the kids each year. This always takes way too long. One of the boys won't smile, someone keeps trying to leave or sit down in the middle of the photo session, we are acting too goofy, not goofy enough, we try to build a pyramid because that might be a fun new photo etc. This year I was amazed because all of the women had digital cameras. They also all have access to email...however, they ALL needed to take pictures on THEIR OWN CAMERA. This lengthened the process significantly.
9. Each year, the day after Thanksgiving, we (and by we I mean aunt candie) decorate our house and then watch Christmas Vacation at Aunt Candie's house. Inevitably on of the adults forgets how much swearing the movie has.
10. While opening the presents the line "That's the gift that keeps on giving Clark" from Christmas Vacation will be used at least 10 times.

Oh the Holidays...I guarantee that if you came to join us for a holiday...all of these would take place....and I like it that way.

Christmas time is here.

2006-12-14T21:27:00.000-08:00

I love this picture...full family photo.

Holding my Breath.

2006-12-02T21:33:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to O'Holy Night all week long to begin preparing my heart for the coming season of Advent. This song is Advent to me. It encapsulates the Hope that Advent holds.
"Long lay the world in sin and error pining
Till he appeared and the soul felt its worth!
The thrill of hope
A weary world rejoicing
For Yonder breaks a new and glorious morn"
I didn't realize until this year that not only is Advent about the birth of Christ 2,000 years ago, but Advent is also about Eschatology. During the Season, we reflect with the people who were alive during the birth of Christ. They had been trudging along in a broken and weary world, and then hope was flung into the darkness and the weary world rejoices. In the same breath we remember that we are a part of an "Already, but not yet" Escatology. Christ already came and established his kingdom in our hearts, but the Kingdom is not here yet. We hold our breaths with the people of 2000 years ago. We long for the kingdom to come. For the establishment of Justice and Mercy on Earth. For the hungry to be fed. The sick to be well. We hold our collective breath and we wait.
Advent is here.

We are strange

2006-11-26T15:22:00.000-08:00

A recent conversation between my friend Myles and I:

Myles: If I don't get to go to Africa I might just implode
Self: Yeah you should go
Myles: Well I guess if I die I wouldn't know that I didn't go, nor would I probably know that I died.
Self: Yeah you would actually be more alive
Myles: Yeah that is true...so it acutally wouldn't even matter
Self: I think the fact that we just discussed the Eschatalogical implications of you self imploding kind of dampened you point.

Two Days Later...

2006-11-25T11:34:00.000-08:00

I know that I kind of missed the boat on the thanksgiving post, but I couldn't pass up an opportunity to make a list of the things that I am thankful for in my life.

-My Delightfully wonderful and wacky family. There are way too many things to list about how much fun they are.
-The best friends that a girl could ask for both near and far
-A Roof over my head that I share with two roommates and one ceramic eagle named freedom (who is currently sporting a red Christmas Bow)
-The Opportunity to obtain an education at Truett Seminary
-A Church Family that teaches how to be a Christ Follower
-A God that refuses the chains of my presuppostions, my doubts, my fears, and my selfishness.

A Favorite Prayer: Sir France Drake.

2006-11-08T21:26:00.000-08:00

Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.

Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.

Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.

We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love

Fall-ish

2006-10-29T06:48:00.000-08:00

Last night I experienced Fall...kind of.
Ashley and Meredith held a "Fall Fest" at their house. We had fall food. Such as the following beautiful Apple Pie. We wore fall clothes ( the girls turned the air up so that we could wear sweaters), and carved pumpkins. I have never experienced fall before. Except when it happens for about 4 days here in Texas (the leaves change and fall very quickly). However I am pretty sure that would LOVE it. I love cold weather, without it being biting. I love sweaters, and cordaroy, and clogs, and argyle. I love layering! Also when I think of Autumn, I think of sitting outside on a park bench reading a wonderful book, while sipping on a hot drink. I love that too. I need to go somewhere with that has a true fall next year. But this year, the wonderful fall fest will suffice.

A Quote.

2006-10-12T20:38:00.000-07:00

"But down in the darkness below those dreams-- in the place where all our notions of God have come to naught--there is stil reason to hope, because disillusionment is not bad. Disillusionment is the loss of illusion--about ourselves, about the world, about God--and while it is almost always painful, it is not a bad thing to lose the lies we have mistaken for truth. Disillusioned, we come to understand that God does not conform to our expectations....We review our requirements fo God and recognize them against our own fictions, our own frial shelters against the vast night sky. Disillusioned, we find out what is not true and are set free to seek what is-- if we dare."
-Barbara Brown Taylor, "The Preaching Life"

Heaven is like...

2006-10-02T20:13:00.000-07:00

Tonight in life group we talked about Heaven. It was this beautiful moment where everyone in the room spouted off parable like statements regarding our deepest hope:

"When I was in Germany, I was working at a camp for refugee children. These kids had fled to germany from War-torn countries. They had been abused, some were child soilders, some had fought eachother. We took them to a pool. Some had never seen a pool. About 12 or 15 of us climbed up to the top of a water slide and sat one in front of the other, in a long train and all went down the slide together, a mass of us splashing into the water laughing. I think that is what heaven is like".

"When the soilders in Darfur look into the eyes of those whom they are oppressing, see humanity and then set down their guns...that is what heaven is like"

"I think that as I have thought more about heaven it is less about the picture in my mind's eye of castles and golden streets. Instead of seeing heaven I now feel it. It is what i long for. It is contentment. It is no longer striving"

"I think when we realize that we are all a part of systems that hurt people and oppress humanity, and we let that change us and effect us...we have begun to realize heaven"

"Heaven is a suprise. We will see people there that we didn't even expect"

"Heaven is not the end of one part of life and the beginning of another. In heaven we will continue to grown and become more of who we are supposed to be. Except that Heaven is more of an adventure than this life. Our senses are heightened, emotions run deeper...we are more alive."

This week Heaven has become more tangible to me. Dr. Ruth Ann Foster longed for the Kingdom of God to come. She wanted to help bring the kingdom to earth. To see the oppressed freed, the hungry fed, and for love to abound. She told us always that the Christian life isn't easy...but it's worth it. She loved deeply, prayed whole heartedly, and in all of it groaned for the kingdom. She talked about the kingdom of God and heaven alot. She didn't talk about it in terms of the American dream with mansions and streets of gold. She talked about heaven when she spoke about the upside down kingdom, and our faith becoming sight, and humanity becoming whole. She believed that Christ was the ressurection and the life. I know without a doubt, that her faith is complete now. She has seen the kingdom...whatever the kingdom may look like or be...she has seen it. And though I am sad that we have lost such a beloved sister, my heart is full.
Today in class today Dr. Gaynor Yancey said that the best way to honor Dr. Foster is to be the kingdom of God for a broken world...I think she is right.

Looking Forward

2006-09-17T19:28:00.000-07:00

Things that I am looking forward to in life:

October 5-8: I will on a jet plane on the way to Los Angeles, CA to spend a delightful weekend with the favorites. I am pretty sure that the weekend will be filled with excessive amounts of laughter, eating, shopping, nights on the town, watching of videos from Europe for the 1,200,243,234th time, trying to covince one another to perform ridiculous tricks on demand, telling the same stories over again (always preceded with "remember when?"
September 22-23: i am pretty sure that Crina Ebanks will be descending on the thriving metropolis of Waco, Texas. Waco has missed Crina and I am pretty sure it won't know what to do with itself.

September 30: Meagan's birthday. I LOVE birthdays! I am not sure why...maybe it is because it is a non-thematic holiday. There are no assigned birthday colors. Also you get to give your friends fun small gifts of celebration. It will be fun to celebrate this friend.

October 23-25: Homecoming time at Baylor. I sometimes forget or try to supress that I LOVE BAYLOR. I am proud that I am a Baylor Bear. I love all that comes with homecoming, Bonfire, pigskin, pretending to want to go to the football game, excessive amounts of sweater sets and pearls, and probably the live bear walking around. Also almost ALL of the friends are coming down..ALL of them...Karen, Shley, Becky, Llama, Kim, Courtney, Pammy...Oh man it's gonna be good!!!!

A Quote.

2006-09-06T16:58:00.000-07:00

"To wage war on misery and to struggle against injustice is to promote, along with improved conditions, human and spiritual progress of all men, and therefore the common good of humanity. Peace cannot be limited to a mere absence of war, the result of an ever-precarious balance of forces. No, peace is something that is built up day after day, in pursuit of an order intended by God, which implies a more perfect form of justice among men."
-From the Encyclical Letter of Pope John Paul IV on the Development of Peoples.

I love books.

2006-08-28T14:37:00.000-07:00

My friend Morgan Tagged me to do this...and it is fun.

One book that:
Changed my life- "The Jesus I Never Knew" This book unveiled the Jesus of the gospels for me rather than the Jesus of suburban evangelical Christianity. The Jesus of the gospels is not clean, is homeless, and loved the ones on the edges. I want to do social work because of this book.

Read more than once- "Traveling Mercies" by Anne Lammot. I can just pick this book up anytime and read it.

That I would want on a dessert Island: I have an "Annie Dillard Reader" that has a few of her books and short stories all in one book. Her writing is almost sacramental. It is ALWAYS beautiful.

That Made me Laugh- "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller though fairly profound underneath it all was often funny.

That Made you Cry- "The End of An Affiar by Graham Green. This is one of my favorite books of all time. But it is heart breaking.

That I wish I had written- "The Cost of Discipleship" by Dietrich Bonhoeffer...I mean really..have you read the book? It challenges anyone with breath.

Book that I am currently reading: "The Complete Short Stories of Flannery O'Connor" This book makes for perfect bedside reading.

Book that I want to read: Anna Karenina...it's just so long...but i have heard that it is sooooo good.

I choose to do this:
Ashely Gill
Leah
Meredith H.
Pammy.

Just some thoughts.

2006-08-23T13:36:00.000-07:00

Lately I have been thinking about what it truly looks like for humans to extend the grace of Christ to one another. I will first admit that I in no way come anywhere close to exhibiting even miniscule amount of the grace that Christ calls me to. I have alot of ideals but very rarely put them into practice.
In my Urban ministry class we discussed the concept of the "Worthy Poor". Those individuals who are doing all that they can for themselves but simply can't make ends meet, or the ones who are mentally unstable so clearly they could not help themselves. Those are the people that we logically help in our 'can-do' society. The other ones aren't even trying, so why should we extend our hand? Won't they just waste our time and money anyways? We don't want to foolishly spend our money on someone, we don't want to waste our time helping someone, when we could help another of a more worthy cause. But I wonder if as a Christ Follower if I should be foolish in the manner in which I extend grace? If someone asks for money, should I give it to them? I have more. What is $3 going to do? It seems to me less about the money and more about seeing that person...not ignoring their existance as a fellow human being. If a young woman needs a ride do I stop car? What if it isn't safe? If I have a mountain of homework, but a schizophrenic man wants to talk to me at the grocery store do I ward him off? He's not grounded in reality anyway.
I had a friend who let a homeless woman stay in her house for a while. After a few weeks, my friend returned home one day to find that she has been robbed by this woman to whom she had extended hospitatlity. I feel like I would want to respond by shutting my door and globalizing this woman's actions; "I should have known, they are all like this". But she didn't...her doors are still open. That is the kind of grace that I would like to extend. That is the kind of grace that Christ would have me extend. It is foolish and and if loves deeply. It depises favortism It continues to be life giving even as the hands of death grasp at it.

Semester 36 I think.

2006-08-20T20:46:00.000-07:00

YAY for starting school tommorow!!! If anyone wants to make my day you could give me a bouquet of freshly sharpened pencils.
I'm just saying.

I = Laguna Beach Fan.

2006-08-13T15:47:00.000-07:00

Okay many of you already know but I will not confess publically: I love pop culture. And not cool music scene pop culture...but pop culture at its finest, complete with US weekly and photos of celebrities at the beach. Mainly among my love for pop culture is pop music. I have never been a music snob so I feel fine revealing this. I am not afriad to listen to Kelly Clarkson, Rhianna, Hillary Duff or Justin Timberlake. I actually like it. I turn it up. I may dance a bit....you just never know.
However my bent for pop culture has reached an all time high. Yesterday MTV aired a Laguna Beach Marathon. Two full seasons of Laguna Beach aired yesterday. I will say that my TV was tuned in all day. Sure I went to lay out...took a shower....checked my email....went to a b-day party...but in between any of those activies I was engrossed in the lives of Kristin, Talan, L.C. Jessica, Jason, Alex H. and a slew of others. I have seen all of these episodes at least 300 times...if not more. Yet I just kept watching! I have no idea why a 23 year old wanna be social worker/ seminary student enjoys watching the love lifes of priviliged, high school students. I mean really! I decided that part of it reminds me of my ridiculous friends from high school. Just add Texas twang, Trailors instead of 1 million dollar homes, and the Gap instead of Kitson and you have yourself Laguna Beach goes Small Town Texas. And the rest of the reason...I have no idea except that I find it so blasted entertaining. Jason is dating Alex M. will he go back to Jessica? Talan tells Taylor that he loves her then goes on a date with Kristen. Why is Alex H. the most laid back and fun, yet never has a boyfriend? Where are the answers to these questions?!

Songs for Life: Part 2

2006-08-09T23:33:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I believe all the lies so I can do the things I should despise
And every day I am swayed by whatever is on my mind
I hear it all depends on my faith so I'm feeling precarious
The only problem I have with these mysteries is they're so mysterious
And like a consumer I've been thinking if I could just get a bit more
More than my 15 minutes of faith,Then I'd be secure
My faith is like shifting sand changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand so I stand on grace
I've begged you for some proof for my Thomas eyes to see
A slithering staff, a leprous hand and lions resting lazily
A glimpse of your back-side glory and this soaked altar going ablaze
But you know I've seen so much I explained it away
Waters rose as my doubts reigned
My sand-castle faith, it slipped away
Found myself standing on your graceIt'd been there all the time

I first heard this song some time in high school, when the 4o Acres cd came out. I liked it because the girl's voice sounded really pretty in it.
Two years ago I actually heard the song. It was a time in my life when I really experiencing alot of doubt in my spiritual journey. I had sat in my psychology of religion class and wondered if I was actually dispostioned to believe the way that do, due to upbrining and social standing. I sat back and thought of all of the significant spiritual experiences in my life and wondered if they were just a bad case of "group think". I sat in my theology class and heard that Adam and Eve might not be real people, but rather part of an allegorical account of creation. I remember feeling relieved and then wondering if it was bad that I felt that way. Suddenly this faith that I had in Jesus began to seem foolish. I struggled as many of the blocks of my well constucted Christianity were being toppled over. I found myself hurling questions at God, demanding some sort of proof or answer.
I sat with a friend in the dark one night on Baylor's campus after discussing my numerous frustrations with faith, the church, and Christianity. She challenged me to just throw it all away. "If it's that difficult and that foolish to you, then just don't do it anymore". I actually considered this. What would it be like to turn my back and just walk away? However, there was something inside of me holding on for dear life. I just can't shake this belief or this faith or this way of being. And I can only attribute that to God's grace.
I am a skeptic at heart. I am a critic. I always wonder what is behind the smoke and lights. What is the real substance? Some one might be a charasmatic preacher, but are they really saying anything? That worship music is good, but is it theologically sound? Are you lifting your hands just because everyone else is? I have to ask God daily for a more faith filled heart and a good dose of understanding. Faith is difficult for me. I find very little in the Christian life that I can hold securely onto 100% of the time. I often waver. But it is grace that stand on.
So I heard this song 2 years ago...and I found myself in tears. It was as if the song was written for me. I resonate so deeply with it. I beg for proof or explain it away. But I am always on a firm foundation.

A quote.

2006-08-02T21:53:00.000-07:00

"Quite simply, our deep gratitude to Jesus is manifested neither in being chaste, honest, sober and respectable, nor in church going, bible toting, and Psalm singing, but in our deep and delicate respect for one another"
-Brennan Manning

Thanks a bunch.

2006-07-28T09:23:00.000-07:00

A weird insight into Baylor Culture: In most classrooms at Baylor University after a student finishes taking an exam, he or she quietly gathers their things, walks up to the professor, extends the test towards the professor and before the the transaction is complete, quitely whispers 'thank you' to the professor. Why do we do this? I know that we are in the southern region of the united states and that we go to a Bapist school, so clearly many of us are polite people. But 'thank you' after turning in a test? Thank you for what? Thanks for the fact that I have only gotten 6 hours of sleep in the last 3 days? Thank you for the upset stomach? Thank you that I had to spend my Saturday studying? I guess we could be thanking the professor for the learning experience....highly doubtful.
Did this happpen at your school?

A Theological Attempt

2006-07-27T21:40:00.000-07:00

I have learned alot of really great things in Seminary this past year that have really resonated with me. I would sit in class or read and something would hit me deep down...almost a sense of awe...or my soul sighing in agreement. Things that I knew would change me somehow...I found one of those things in an unexpected place...the early church father, Irenaeus. I wrote a paper on him last semester regarding his view of salvation. Now the paper was actually painfully difficult for me to write. I struggle to write about what theologians have said...I feel like I don't under stand enough to really have a say in the discussion...I love theology but it really intimidates me, so who knows why I am attempting a post about theology.
Anyways..that was a small insight into my soul... Irenaeus was the one who coined the theory of recapitulation. This theory says that Christ lived the life that humankind was intended to live. He resisted tempation to sin, He loved greatly. It is by this recapitualtion that we are saved. God made humans to immortal. As immortal creatures we were designed to live a certain life...like the life that Christ lived. We were to live with God forever. However, sin thwarted that plan, it did not ruin it, because nothing can ruin the plans of God, but it was set off track. Christ lived the life that God intended for us and in His death atoned for the sin that we should have paid for ourselves.
Many Christians tend to focus soley on the work of Christ on the Cross. But Irenaeus belived that Christ's entire life had salvific power. The atonement of Christ was in the incarnation, it was in the miracles, it was in the parables, it was in His betrayal, and it was in the garden. Our salvation is tangled up in each move that Christ made and each breath that He took. Salvation would not have been possible without the entire life of Christ. The incarnation was needed so that both God and man would hang on the cross. The 33 years between the cradle and cross were needed so that Christ could retrace our steps before we even took them.
I don't know what it is about this idea that grabs a hold of me. I think that in the past I have tended to look at Christ's life in a very compartmentalized sort of way. I examined the incarnation. I examined His minstry. Then I examined the work on the cross. But all of these are so deeply intertwined, in a way that gives such depth and richness to the theological study of soteriology or Christology. There is just something about knowing that Christ's entire life was a movement towards our salvation....not just one moment on the cross but each moment. Knowing this enlivens my reading of the gospels. As Christ kisses the hand of the leper we are saved. As he is in the womb of Mary we are saved. As He raises Lazarus from the grave...we are saved.

Beautifully profane.

2006-07-19T21:15:00.000-07:00

"When what is beautiful looks broken and crushed" -Derek Webb

Since my wilderness theology class I have really been thinking alot about the Monastic Concept of Via Negativa. For many of the early theologians and church fathers, this referred to describing God by saying what God is not; God is not hate, so God is love, God is not unjust, so God is Just etc. But many monastics use this phrase to describe how one can find God. We find God at the end of ourselves. We find life in death, we find joy in pain, God speaks when God seems silent....we can even find beauty in despair.
I find this to be a wonderfully hopeful way of thinking. It seems that hope is always present. Even in the deep dark pit of anguish and grief. When we think that we have lost faith...maybe that is when we truly find it.
That is why many of the early monastics retreated to the desert. They found God in the hunger of fasting, in the sleepless nights, in the extreme heat and cold. They found God in the silence. I could do well to learn from them. I often find myself frustrated in my search for truth and grasping at the straws of faith. But when I reach the end of myself and of my striving...truth is often hiding quietly under a rock.

We Reunited

2006-07-17T12:17:00.000-07:00

So I was at a family reunion ALL week last week. All the relatives came from the North East Coast and then we have one family in Utah, for a week full of hot as hell texas fun. We did in fact play on the lake all week which was delightful. And clearly we went to the rodeo and ate barbecue. I do wish that all of these relatives lived closer. Here are some pics. I have a milllion but I decided to spare the blog world and only share a few.

I love this picture...Cousins Rachel (little one) and Anna...they are beautiful.
Me with Favorite Cousin Kristin at Joe T's
Alanna trying to share the photo album
Sydney and Anna on a delightful boat ride.
Dani and Alice at Joe T. Garcia's

Songs For life: I Repent.

2006-07-04T20:55:00.000-07:00

I love Derek Webb's Music...I know that he is a bit Calvinistic at times...but he speaks alot of truth. I love this song in particular. It changes me everytime I listen to it.

i repent, i repent of my pursuit of america's dream

i repent, i repent of living like i deserve anything of my house, my fence, my kids, my wife in our suburb where we're safe and white

i am wrong and of these things i repent
i repent, i repent of parading my liberty i repent.

i repent of paying for what i get for free and for the way i believe that i am living right by trading sins for others that are easier to hide

i am wrong and of these things i repent
i repent judging by a law that even i can't keep

of wearing righteousness like a disguise to see through the planks in my own eyes
i repent, i repent of trading truth for false unity i repent,

i repent of confusing peace and idolatry

by caring more of what they think than what i know of what we need

by domesticating you until you look just like me

i am wrong and of these things i repent

I feel as if I should listen to this song every single day. It puts my life in perspective. I so often assume that I know the better way. I say that we should spend more money feeding the hungry, yet I spend mine on frivilous things. I say that the problem with the american system is the lack of education, yet I don't help with the educating. I use my liberty as an excuse to live a life of mediocrity. I proclaim that we should live a life of self giving, yet I keep all of my time and waste it.

When will I get it? When will I be able to show a speck of the deep love of Christ to my fellow humanbeings? When will I spend more time with the people in my own town and less time with my educated self righteousness? When will I stop looking at all of the things wrong with America and the church and begin examining my selfish motives?

I repent.

My favorites

2006-06-30T14:31:00.000-07:00

I miss these girls today.

Tell Me a Story.

2006-06-29T21:42:00.000-07:00

I love hearing people's stories. I like knowing where they grew up, what they liked to do as a teenager and the name of everyone in their immediate family. Sitting and listening to any part of a person's story, good or bad, is a spiritual experience for me. I walk away knowing that in some way I have experienced God, even when I can't put my finger on it. I like hearing the things that a person picks out as highlights in her life, the people whom she has encountered and has been impacted by in some way. I like hearing how a person reached this stage in her life, why she is in waco, why she chose to go to Baylor/Truett.
I think that I like hearing stories for few reasons:
I like to put people into a larger context than the one that I personally experience them in. Many of us only experience fragments of our lives together. Clearly a person has an entire life outside of the relationship that we share. I think knowing this context adds a great depth to my understanding of a person. People have temperaments, faults, doubts, fears, joys, life events, and meaningful relationships outside of our particular context. All of these things compell a person or drive a person or hold a person back. They free a person or paralyze them. Life context is so interesting and intricate.
Secondly, I have found much of the time that when someone narrarates how they experience life, many times they are narrating how they experience God. They talk about how they have been changed, what causes them to make the decisions that they make. What makes them angry or joyful or sad.
Finally I think that knowing a person's story teaches me how to be a better friend to them. In a few ministry settings I have had people who are basically perfect strangers tell me about intimate details of their life. We may only be in relationship for a few months, but hopefully I glean something from their tale and somehow find what my role should be in their life at that moment.
I find it interesting in many of my close relationships, a person's story comes out over time. Each time a new part comes out, I see a new piece of that person, even the ones that I have known for years. It teaches me something new, thus helping me to love my friend in a new and specific way.
I think that is why ministry is so compelling to me. One aspect of ministry is to hear people's stories...even if it is just a small piece and then respond to them in very specific way. I get to listen in on someone's life and then enter into it. That is an honor and exciting.

And Old Friend

2006-06-26T06:40:00.000-07:00

So Last night I went to Barnes and Noble to look up some activies for my kids to do today. It is goal week at our summer program. I decided to look at the Children's books for fun. I stumbled upon (and by stumbled upon I mean that I sought out) the Beverly Cleary section. Beverly Cleary and Ramona Quimby were the beginning of my love for books. I think that I read every book that Beverly Cleary ever wrote between the ages of 7 and 12 at least 2 times each.
Anyways, I picked up Ramona Quimby, Age 8 and started reading it. I was enjoying it so much that I bought it and took it home with me. I read the whole thing last night. It was so delightful! I found myself laughing all over again at Ramona's mishaps and even tearing up during the tender moments that Ramona shared with her family.
I guess you never grow out of an old friend.

A fairly long post about the CBF

2006-06-25T15:41:00.000-07:00

A few things:
First of all I have recently discovered the delighfulness that is Diet Lipton Green tea. It is a very wonderful experience. You should try it.
Secondly I am very excited that summer school class will be over by next week. I have about had it with pretending to study every night. Everything within me revolts against sitting down for a significant amount of time reading something required by a professor. I don't care how interesting it is...I just don't want to do it..and let's be honest I haven't been. I generally read a little over half of my reading each night. Then take really good notes in class. I am hoping that this will not turn out to be a horrid mistake.
Third and most importantly...I just got back from the Cooperative Baptist Fellowship General Assembly (that is a mouthful) in Atlanta, Georgia. It was a pretty wonderful/whirlwind experience. Brooke, Heather and I left Waco at approximately 2:40 in the afternoon on Thursday afternoon...to drive 13 hours to Atlanta GA. The ride wasn't too bad, until about 4:00 AM and we still werent' there knowing that each minute that passed was one less minute of sleep that we would be getting.
On Friday morning we had the opportunity to hear Daniel Vestal speak about the distictives of the Fellowship. He spoke about how the fellowship is a community of continual renewal. It was wrought out of a search for the freedom of each believer; men, women, laity and clergy alike all have equal opportunity to approach the throne of God. Churches are free to choose their leaders and are not bound by the state. However just because we are not bound by the state does not mean that we do not engage with the state on issues pertaining to the oppressed, the poor and the marginalized. He spoke about how mission is not only carrying the gospel of Christ to another place but also providing for the physical needs of people and partnering with other churches and denominations to do so. We are open to dialogue with with other faiths, other denominations, other organizations in order to make the world a better place. I sat in the back of the crowded convention hall with goosebumps on my skin the entire time. I don't know...it may sound corny but at that moment I was (and I am) so proud to be a part of this organization. I feel like the CBF has truly begun recovering the historical roots of being Baptist: Soul Competency, Seperation of Church and State, alongside with recovering what it means to truly be the body of Christ for the World: advocating for the poor, working together with others who are also attempting to do good in the world, and allowing all Christians to truly answer the call that God has for them in their lives.
The rest of the day was spent browsing the amazing resource fair, during which I obtained 3 seperate books for the low low price of $8.40. I attended two workshops: One on how to promote social advocacy within your local church body. Which was led by Baylor and Calvary's very own John Singletery and a very power suity/ world changer/ future advocate on the hill Meredith Story. It really was a great session. It was a reminder that one of our jobs as Christ Followers is to stand up for the the forgotten of this world. Just because we fuction seperately from the state does not mean that we cannot engage. I then went to a workshop about the rural poverty initative that the CBF has recently begun. They are working in the 20 poorest counties in the Nation. They are doing some really great things that I hope to be involved in in the future.
I got to have dinner with fabulous friends and my wonderful Pastor Julie, which of course is always life Changing. The day ended with the entire assembly gathered for worship and a commissioning service. I had the wonderful opportunity to see Lizzie particpate. We sang together about Christ's work in the world and then shared the Lord's supper. It was beautiful to worship with people who I know stand together with common ideals and goals. Someone said that it was like youth camp for adults.
Oh my gosh I almost forgot a very important part...I got to meet Molly Marshall. She is a Baptist All-Star they should make her a trading card along with Julie, Dan Vestal and a few others. Anyways she is quite the trailblazer for Women and was not scared to stand up for what she believed in during the Southern Shakedown. It was a fun moment.
I am sure that many more thoughts will come out of this...but let this suffice for now.
If you made it all the way through this lengthy post you are rewarded with a few pictures .

I got to see Lizzie be commissioned by the CBF
A group pic.
Own personal self, Leah, and Ashley.

I love this quote.

2006-06-20T22:37:00.000-07:00

"Our Strategy should be not only to confront an empire but to
lay seige to it. To deprive it of oxygen. To Shame it.
To Mock it with our art, our music, our literature, our stubborness, our joy,
Our brillance, our sheer relentlessness--
and our ablilty to tell our stories".
- Arundhati Roy

delightfulness times 5.

2006-06-19T20:20:00.000-07:00

Things that I am excited about in life:
1. My new job. Seriously I love it! Maybe it is just the honeymoon phase right now, but I have never had a job where I am actually excited to go every day and feel great when I leave.
2. Going to the General assembly on Thursday! I have never been to Georgia, Lizzie is being commissioned, I get to rub elbows with the Moderate Baptist All-Stars and Leah is coming!
3. I am pretty excited about my Family Reunion in July. I love this side of the family that we NEVER ever get to see. Hopefully the Northeasterners won't melt.
4. I have been reading Walking on Water by Madeline L'Engle per Ashley's request and it is changing my life.
5. I'm loving the summer friends. Mainly I spend time with most of them being ridiculous: laying out by the pool, watching movies, eating out, thinking of ways to change the world into the night, watching TV, and just hanging out....they are all delightful...and by summer friends I mean life friends who I hang out with in the summer.

A different texture.

2006-06-11T20:14:00.000-07:00

A few nights ago I was hanging out at Ashley's and we were hanging some things up in her apartment. I decided to that we needed some music. So I went to examine her expansive CD collection. I was having a difficult time choosing a CD...Ash had so many that I loved. I yelled to her to come and help me but she was quite engrossed with the hanging project. So I joked to her that if she didn't come and help that I would just have to pick an old school Point of Grace CD. She said that anything would be fine so...I popped in The Whole Truth, Including such favorites as "The Great Divide" and "Gather at the River". I thought that it would be kind of funny, we would listen to a few then pick something else. But before I knew it we were singing right along, walking down youth group lane. We were not scared....we may have known a majority of the words...I'm just saying. I even noticed that despite the mildly cheesy music, that the lyrics said some pretty good things. Now I'm not saying that the next time you hop in the neon that I will be blasting Keep the Candle Burning but I became sad that I had thrown away many of my Point of Grace CD's. I thought that I was had grown out of them. They were too cheesy and cookie cutter, and I was educated and knew better. They were too tied to youth group days and I was trying to run deperately from my former legalistic self.
I have been thinking alot about that. Why do I feel that i have to run from my past, in regards to youth group days and such? The things that I participated in made me who I am today. Those cheesy Christian songs are a part of my spiritual landscape. Yes some of them are a bit too "Jesus is my boyfriend" or too individualistic, but many of them have affirming and redemptive messages. Yes, there are a few things about youth camps that I am unsure of, such as the extreme emotionality in worship services. But I had many formative moments on my spiritual journey at those youth camps. I continue to learn and grow all the time or at least attempt to. But that does not mean that the new is always better than the old, it is just different. It has a different texture, it adds another piece to my spiritual geography. The new is actually wrought from the old.
It is funny how those of us in higher education (I do at least) tend to think that knowledge makes us better in some way...more qualified...more open minded...It reminds me of a song by Nicole Nordeman that says:

God for the shameless pride
The times when I rolled my eyes
Laughed at Simplicity
Show Me Mercy
Knowing what I know now
I can't imagine how
I could feel anything but unworthy

Despite the facade of knowledge that I so often arrogantly adorn myself with I find each day that the more that I learn, the less that I actually know.

I (re)love kids!

2006-06-07T21:02:00.000-07:00

I worked in a daycare for almost three years of my life. For the most part I really enjoyed it. The kids were hysterical and said the most suprising things. I loved the hugs and the constant playfulness. I also worked with the kids at my home church for most of the time that I attended which was almost seven years. I also loved doing that. But somewhere along the way I got my fill of kids. I don't know what set it off. I didn't really have a bad experience, I just got tired of working with them. No rhyme or reason. I just noticed that all of the sudden it wasn't fun anymore, it felt like more of chore.
Cut to this week:
I think that i have hung out with kids more this week than I have in almost four years...I have been working with Calvary's Backyard bible club. I have LOVED IT! We have been out in the Texas heat, singing songs, telling stories, making simple crafts, and playing ALOT of red rover. I am reminded that kids are just phenomenal little people...they are quick to laugh, they hug you after knowing you for 2 minutes, they are perceptive, and they are up for just about anything. Kids are not afraid to look you in the eye and say, "My parents are getting a divorce and sometimes I cry about it....when is water day?" There is a great line from a Kendall Payne song (who changes my life everytime I listen to her) that says, "Little ones teach the big to be free. Children are only un-costumed humanity"
I don't know I have just loved this week. Playing with the kids this week has been has been so refreshing. I have had the chance to give out lots of hugs, tell them how beautiful their crafts are, laugh...its been good for my soul.

taking the life out of living.

2006-06-05T11:22:00.000-07:00

So I am not really sure how to make my blog pretty yet. I can't figure out how to change the blasted background...so if anyone has any ideas, let me know.
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I cannot figure out how to not live life at a breakneck speed. I always feel as if I am in a rush...that there are 20 things that I should be doing, people to see, books to read, emails to be written, homework to be done.. etc. Even when I am sitting still, I feel like my body is going 100 miles per hour. Even when I am relaxing, it is in a time frame and feels rushed. I got a taste of what it feels like to live life a normal and healthy pace at the monastery. I felt my soul slow down. My leg stopped bouncing nervously. I went to sleep with a clear mind. I sat down with my journal and wrote long entries, I read the bible slowly, I took walks and deep breaths. I enjoyed the sunset, I sat by the river, I took time to pray. Now I know that this happened in the haven of the monastery, but how do I let this spill over into my day to day life? Should I procrastionate less? Should I wake up earlier? Should I say no to activities? How do I determine what is important? All I know is that life isn't meant to be lived like this. I think that it just sucks the living out of life. Maybe I will wake up an hour earlier tommorow, so that I can simply sit with a book or my journal and see what happens.

Trying it out

2006-06-02T21:46:00.000-07:00

So it seems that everyone has a blog...I actually have a blog with my best friends but no one can see it but us, so I can't really share it with the world....which I am not sure how I feel about that anyways...I mean who wants to read my blog? Possibly friends...maybe one stranger. We shall see.
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I want to start out my blog with an ode to summer. I LOVE SUMMER!!!! Summer makes me feel like I am 12 again, running around barefoot in my neighborhood. It seems normal to jump in a car and drive 13 hours with good friends, only to come back 2 days later. It's okay to lay by the pool and drink daquaris at 11:oo am, or have a snow cone for dinner. I stay up and read whatever I want late into the night, and hang out with friends every day. This is reason 20,454 that I am loving grad school: I am 23 years old and still get to act like a 12 year old in the summer. I feel like summer give me full liscence to be irresponsible...to an extent. I mean for some reason I have a desire to get something peirced simply because that seems like a summer thing to do. Maybe I will. I could handle double piercings in my ears...once again I am 12. Who gets their lobes pierced at 23?