Songs for Life: Part 2

Sometimes I believe all the lies so I can do the things I should despise
And every day I am swayed by whatever is on my mind
I hear it all depends on my faith so I'm feeling precarious
The only problem I have with these mysteries is they're so mysterious
And like a consumer I've been thinking if I could just get a bit more
More than my 15 minutes of faith,Then I'd be secure
My faith is like shifting sand changed by every wave
My faith is like shifting sand so I stand on grace
I've begged you for some proof for my Thomas eyes to see
A slithering staff, a leprous hand and lions resting lazily
A glimpse of your back-side glory and this soaked altar going ablaze
But you know I've seen so much I explained it away
Waters rose as my doubts reigned
My sand-castle faith, it slipped away
Found myself standing on your graceIt'd been there all the time

I first heard this song some time in high school, when the 4o Acres cd came out. I liked it because the girl's voice sounded really pretty in it.
Two years ago I actually heard the song. It was a time in my life when I really experiencing alot of doubt in my spiritual journey. I had sat in my psychology of religion class and wondered if I was actually dispostioned to believe the way that do, due to upbrining and social standing. I sat back and thought of all of the significant spiritual experiences in my life and wondered if they were just a bad case of "group think". I sat in my theology class and heard that Adam and Eve might not be real people, but rather part of an allegorical account of creation. I remember feeling relieved and then wondering if it was bad that I felt that way. Suddenly this faith that I had in Jesus began to seem foolish. I struggled as many of the blocks of my well constucted Christianity were being toppled over. I found myself hurling questions at God, demanding some sort of proof or answer.
I sat with a friend in the dark one night on Baylor's campus after discussing my numerous frustrations with faith, the church, and Christianity. She challenged me to just throw it all away. "If it's that difficult and that foolish to you, then just don't do it anymore". I actually considered this. What would it be like to turn my back and just walk away? However, there was something inside of me holding on for dear life. I just can't shake this belief or this faith or this way of being. And I can only attribute that to God's grace.
I am a skeptic at heart. I am a critic. I always wonder what is behind the smoke and lights. What is the real substance? Some one might be a charasmatic preacher, but are they really saying anything? That worship music is good, but is it theologically sound? Are you lifting your hands just because everyone else is? I have to ask God daily for a more faith filled heart and a good dose of understanding. Faith is difficult for me. I find very little in the Christian life that I can hold securely onto 100% of the time. I often waver. But it is grace that stand on.
So I heard this song 2 years ago...and I found myself in tears. It was as if the song was written for me. I resonate so deeply with it. I beg for proof or explain it away. But I am always on a firm foundation.